Nine Years to Integration

Love.

It’s a dreamy world during those first few months/years. It’s effortless, spontaneous and alive.  The heart is clouded by an illusionary perception that, “we are one”.  A tremendous amount of energy is put into maximizing similarities and minimizing differences.  Expressing passion and romance and desire is done easily and often.

Reality.

The romantic bubble pops.  The fantasy that the relationship is immune from difficulty is dissolved. The clouds in front of all the differences are cleared and now conflict, anxiety and disappointment with the relationship is visible.  Confusion begins to settle into  the wonder of how to create that initial closeness once again.  Yet, cravings for independence within the intimacy begin to develop.  THIS is when the relationship actually begins.

Shifting.

Minor incidents trigger large disagreements.  Independence is defended, fiercely.  A short while ago, the relationship appeared to be the embodiment of true love and now it appears to be the embodiment of self-centeredness.  Each partner longs for THE OTHER to “change.

Assessment.

Do I really want this?

By now, there is a clearer picture of the relationship.  The work now is to invest in the value of the relationship.  To move deeper together, each person must continue to develop individually AND be able to honor the other’s journey of self discovery.  This requires very open and raw communication.  I believe that this is the only way the relationship can survive.

Awakening.

Genuine desire to connect as partners occurs, again.  Acceptance of the differences in the relationship are approached with a new attitude.  Conflict becomes an opportunity for growth.  The realization occurs that the differences are real...and they won’t go away.  Conflicts are accepted and there is a sincerity in learning how to come to a satisfying resolution. The authentic beauty of the relationship is revealed here as the partners see themselves in the other.  They see each other as slightly flawed but as a good people who are making a determined effort to love and to be close and to acknowledge their own desires.

Integration.

The couple stays connected while maintaining their own identities.  

Gratitude is sustained in the knowing how to support each other and how to take responsibility for their individual lives.  Took me nearly 9 years to figure this much out...what's next?